sunsetmog: (Hollyoaks boys - cardigan)
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Okay, so next weekend is the weekend of homosexual angst, where [ profile] katie__pillar and I rewatch the whole of the John Paul and Craig love story from Hollyoaks, all seventeen hours of it. It has come to my attention that some of you out there don't actually have a clue what I'm talking about, therefore I bring you the world's most rubbish primer, in the vain hope that maybe someone, somewhere will request it for yuletide and I will FINALLY get to write their epic happy ever after. Okay, so it's more a quick overview of their story with accompanying pictures than a primer, yeah yeah.

(Mostly this is for [ profile] roga, who unfortunately said "who are John Paul and Craig?" when we were discussing poor Matthew's broken penis and yuletide nominations earlier.)

note: I do already have at least three notebooks full of versions of their happy ever after. I'm not even kidding. There are probably more but these are the three from the shelf behind my head:


Firstly, this is John Paul McQueen.

And this is Craig Dean.

When the story starts, Craig – who has previously been a bit of a comic character, always coming up with schemes to make money or get girls – is just about to start upper sixth (final year in high school) for the second time, after he didn't get the A level grades he needed to get into Trinity College Dublin, his university of choice. All of his friends have left school and he doesn't really know anyone, and the first person he meets is John Paul McQueen, who is just about to start upper sixth for the first time.

John Paul is the only son in a family of very strong women (Jackie, Mercedes, Tina and Michaela) who all have different fathers and are basically only just on this side of the law. Jackie is just out of prison. Craig's mum has married the landlord of the local pub, and Craig lives above the pub with his sister Steph and occasionally, his older brother Jake, and his dickhead stepbrother, Darren. Jake has ~issues~ and has just knocked down and killed a woman in the street, who obviously is the mother of one of the kids in Craig's new class at school, Sonny. Craig has always been reasonably popular and now he is not popular at all, and Sonny won't leave him alone.

And then, very quickly, he becomes BFF with John Paul, who is hiding a secret. What's that? OH YES. John Paul is gay, and has a crush on Craig. Craig is oblivious, and spends some quality time trying to get the pretty girl in their class to date him.

This is Sarah.

She is super pretty and as such is never allowed to wear anything normal. She is always being dressed in the most stupid clothes, and once they make her a model later on, her clothes get even MORE ridiculous. She starts going out with Craig, and so that they can double date, her best friend Hannah starts making a play for John Paul.

This is Hannah.

She is besotted with John Paul, poor thing, but John Paul is gay. Anyway, John Paul isn't out yet and he tries to not be gay by dating Hannah, but obviously it doesn't work out and he tells Craig he's gay and in love with him and Hannah and John Paul split up and Hannah's descent into anorexia becomes the focus of Hannah's storylining for a while.

But how does Hannah find out that John Paul is gay?

Um. She walks in on this. You can see her in the background.

Yes, that is Craig kissing John Paul. Not that Craig is gay. Or in love with John Paul. Or has any feelings for him at all(the dialogue for this moment is Craig saying "I love you. I love you." Yeah.)

There are two major problems with this particular Hollyoaks storyline.

1. Hollyoaks has clearly never heard of bisexuality. At all. Craig spends two years saying "I'm in love with Sarah. I'm in love with John Paul. HOW CAN THIS BE. I still like girls! I CAN'T BE GAY" which is a little frustrating bearing in mind there is a whole label that accounts for liking both boys and girls. It's a nice label, I subscribe to it myself.
2. It is essentially a cheating storyline, which normally I do not like.

Sometimes you have to put such things aside however, for the sake of two people in love.

So, stuff happens, and Craig keeps on going out with Sarah, and John Paul is lonely and alone because he and Craig aren't friends after the kiss thing, because Craig is NOT GAY, and he is determinedly not gay for his vaguely homophobic family. John Paul is most determinedly gay, now, and his family are pretty awesome about it, and his mum, Myra, is really great about it.

During this time, Craig has some serious angsting going on, and he decides the best way to demonstrate this is by some pretty spectacular cardigan choices. Please see my icon for a example of his cardigan of homosexual angst. [ profile] katie__pillar and I like to dress up in our cardigans of homosexual angst for our annual viewing parties. Well, mine is a jumper, and last year it was a scarf and socks, but the intention is there. Fairisle is not cheap. Luckily Primark mens have a selection of delightful angst sweaters this year and I have partaken. Here is the cardigan itself. Mine is a homage to the original, and has deer instead of snowflakes. I feel Craig would approve.

Then Spike shows up. Spike is a DJ, like John Paul wants to be. Spike is awesome and hot and has tattoos and also: likes John Paul.

John Paul and Spike start going out.

This is Spike. Don't ask the context. Sometimes it's better not to know.

Craig is SUPER SUPER SUPER JEALOUS, and keeps trying to tag along with John Paul all the time and he HATES Spike and has no idea why. His jealousy is ridiculous. Poor Craig. In Hollyoaks no one knows what bisexuality is. He thinks he needs to fit in and only like girls or boys. Poor boy. He's never going to achieve self-actualisation like that.

Basically, what happens is that Craig hits breaking point, walks out of an A level exam and goes over to John Paul's to tell him how he feels. Which leads to this:

Yes. They do a lot of lying around partially clothed. There's one sex scene where they end up wearing more clothes than they did before they started. Theirs is a special kind of love. The 6.30pm weekday evening clothed kind. Anyway, this leads to a couple of months of them sneaking around and being in love and John Paul begging Craig to pick him over Sarah, and Craig refusing to, and telling John Paul he loves him but being too scared to be gay. OR BISEXUAL, HOLLYOAKS, OMFG.

And then, because Craig is very, very mixed up and so screwed up he's a total dick, he asks Sarah to marry him, and John Paul is devastated. So devastated that he arranges it so that Sarah discovers John Paul and Craig in bed together at their engagement party. Seriously, they're all dicks, but they are also young and this is a soap where they seriously cannot write for shit, even when they have a good storyline to play with (see also: Luke). I once devised the Hollyoaks fire triangle:

Where oxygen = actors, heat = storyline and fuel = script. With Hollyoaks you never, ever get all three at the same time. With John Paul and Craig you either screw up on the script or the storylining front, it's ridiculous.

ANYWAY. What happens now is that Craig comes to his senses and tells Sarah he loves her and he's sorry, but he can't be with her, and tells John Paul that he loves him. They come out to everyone! It's great! Craig is about to leave for university in Dublin, and he asks John Paul to come with him! IT'S A HAPPY ENDING.


(for those of us living through the actual story as it happened live: THIS WAS SHIT)

They get as far as the airport, and John Paul realises that Craig is still ashamed to be seen with him. He can't kiss John Paul in public, or hold his hand. So John Paul leaves him, and goes home, and Craig leaves for Dublin.

For good.


I take to my bed in protest.

Then get up again.

Wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff happens. Time passes. John Paul gets two texts from Craig over the course of the year, telling him he misses him. John Paul falls for a Catholic priest named Kieron.

This is Kieron.

Don't be surprised, this is Hollyoaks. Kieron leaves the priesthood for John Paul, and they set up home together in a flat owned by their friend Niall. Now, because this is Hollyoaks, Niall is secretly John Paul's evil half-brother, who John Paul's mother Myra left on the church steps when she was thirteen years old. Myra and Kieron are, unbeknownst to Niall and the rest of the family, trying to find out what happened to baby Niall. Niall is a total nutjob and has plans to take revenge on Myra and the family she chose to keep.

Kieron asks John Paul to marry him, and John Paul says yes even though he's unsure and still in love with Craig. It happens. He's trying to find a way of getting out of the engagement without hurting Kieron when, one day, he's sitting outside the smoothie shack and who does he see over the top of a strawberry smoothie?

Craig. Fresh from a year at university.

Look, he's all grown up now. He has stubble and everything. Craig also wants John Paul back, and he's grown up and matured and John Paul is in love. They have sex, it's awesome. John Paul goes back to break things off with Kieron.

(Everything in Hollyoaks happens in the wrong order. You have to let those things go, because John Paul and Craig are an awesome couple, aside from that).

Anyway, here is the worst thing Hollyoaks has ever done, except for hitting Max with that taxi: Niall, evil Niall, has found out that Kieron has figured out that Niall is Myra's secret baby, and because he can't have anyone find out, he kills Kieron. Yes, that's right, he KILLS HIM. Only he makes it look like suicide and John Paul obviously blames himself and oh god, you have to pretend this part doesn't happen. You have to, otherwise it all goes to shit. In my head, John Paul and Kieron break it off, and Kieron goes to find a wonderful guy who is right for him and isn't in his first year at university, and John Paul feels guilty for cheating on him that one time with Craig and not telling him how he was feeling before he went and had sex with his ex (you see how I could write this better than Hollyoaks can?) and John Paul is sad.

But in actual Hollyoaks and not in my head Hollyoaks, John Paul is sad, and then he decides to make a go of it with Craig, but not before Niall has tried to kill him too. (Obviously) (Ignore this part too, it makes for a better story). Only! When he gets to Craig's place, CRAIG HAS ALREADY LEFT.




YES, yes he can. He catches up with him in front of a POSTER OF A SUNSET.


And then they ride off into the sunset together, not even kidding.


Pretend trailer for the first half of the story:

Fanvid to TOGETHER IN ELECTRIC DREAMS. No, you didn't dream that:

And seriously, this girl makes the BEST fanvids. The clips she uses are great. She used to have a lot more but she's only got seven vids on her account now, which is a shame, because she is ace.

And next weekend Katie and I are going to rewatch the whole thing, as is our tradition, and such things are made of magic.

Also the M button on my keyboard is buggered and I like that letter. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Bugger.

There are 53 comments on this entry. (Reply.)
posted by [identity profile] at 04:00pm on 06/11/2011
Oh wow, I wish I could join you lol!

This was the only reason I vaguely came back to Hollyoaks for a short period. What a lovely kiss at the end ♥
ext_16050: (Hollyoaks - on the train)
posted by [identity profile] at 04:04pm on 06/11/2011
Seriously, that last speech and the kiss at the end made the whole thing worthwhile. An actual sunset happy ending. *______________________*
posted by [identity profile] at 04:17pm on 06/11/2011
From living through this terrible ordeal its a pretty good catch up!
posted by [identity profile] at 04:18pm on 06/11/2011
ext_16050: (Hollyoaks - on the train)
posted by [identity profile] at 04:27pm on 06/11/2011
posted by [identity profile] at 04:22pm on 06/11/2011
OHHH, I did love them so much! ♥_♥

(And then of course, there was that bit where Niall tried to blow John Paul up and then that other bit where he tied Craig to a chair and was mean to Steph, but we can gloss over that.)
ext_16050: (Hollyoaks - the look)
posted by [identity profile] at 04:28pm on 06/11/2011

I try not to think about those parts too much. Oh, Hollyoaks, always screwing things up. :////////////////
posted by [identity profile] at 04:37pm on 06/11/2011
Is it weird that while reading all this I kept thinking "OMG \o/ This is the Cardigan of Homosexual Angst ORIGIN STORY!"? (also, my favourite mittens match that cardigan)
ext_16050: (Default)
posted by [identity profile] at 04:58pm on 06/11/2011
lololol ilu. <33333

You have good mitten taste, that's what. <3
posted by [identity profile] at 04:49pm on 06/11/2011
I stopped watching when Craig left for his first year socpther than the Niall storyline I had no idea of anything after that. THEY'RE TOGEHER NOW? Ahh. In my head they always were anyway.
ext_16050: (Hollyoaks - on the train)
posted by [identity profile] at 05:00pm on 06/11/2011
You should watch the clip of them leaving! It's really nice, it makes the whole thing worthwhile.

sunset happy ending!!
littlemousling: A guinea pig in a stegosaurus costume, being awesome (stegosaurus)
posted by [personal profile] littlemousling at 04:53pm on 06/11/2011
Wow WOW that is ... kind of amazing. I can't really get over the "more clothes on after the sex scene" thing, because ALL OF THE LOLS AT YOU, TV STANDARDS.

They are adorable! If you end up writing this for Yuletide I suspect I will read it.
posted by [identity profile] at 05:04pm on 06/11/2011
Aha! This explains a LOT OF THINGS.
ext_16050: (Default)
posted by [identity profile] at 05:18pm on 06/11/2011
like: cardigans are awesome. and angsty.
ext_3762: girl reading outside in sunshine (Default)
posted by [identity profile] at 05:05pm on 06/11/2011
I am SO GLAD they got their happy ending, otherwise I'm not sure what I would have done. Even in picspam form theirs is a terrible ordeal, and I was most anxious.
ext_16050: (Default)
posted by [identity profile] at 05:18pm on 06/11/2011
I had a YEAR. A YEAR. There was no happy ending. But there is one now, thankfully.
posted by [identity profile] at 05:39pm on 06/11/2011
Ahahaha as I did not watch Hollyoaks this was ALL new to me. Oh scriptwriters.

(Though if we are doing gay/bi teen storylines, remember Noddy on Byker Grove? He was my FAVOURITE and Angel was so supportive!)
ext_16050: (Hollyoaks - on the train)
posted by [identity profile] at 05:50pm on 06/11/2011
Oh little Noddy. <3333 &Byker Grove; Always and forever the reason I will never go paintballing.

Hollyoaks was my favourite. Or rather, these two were my favourites, along with another few characters, and the show overall was BAD.
ext_30599: (DW: Splish!)
posted by [identity profile] at 05:43pm on 06/11/2011
There's one sex scene where they end up wearing more clothes than they did before they started.

This made me giggle!
ext_16050: (Hollyoaks boys hug)
posted by [identity profile] at 05:50pm on 06/11/2011
They have special, magical clothes-putting-on sexytimes in Hollyoaks. The normal laws do not apply.
posted by [identity profile] at 07:44pm on 06/11/2011
My favourite bits of this are all the bits where you have to explain that Hollyoaks is shit, and why.
posted by [identity profile] at 07:48pm on 06/11/2011
posted by [identity profile] at 08:26pm on 06/11/2011
Sometimes I wonder why I don't watch soaps anymore. This is glorious. It's likely every cliché thrown in together. I must admit, Home & Away was my soap of choice when I was younger. Oh, the shame.
posted by [identity profile] at 09:38pm on 06/11/2011
i lived through this (a uk flisty would post just the jp/c excerpts to her lj each week) through to craig leaving for university. when i heard he'd come back i decided i couldn't handle it anymore. i just... never could warm to craig. i was watching purely for john paul. he is a DARLING!

maybe i could watch up til the happy ending now, though.

and why no bisexuality, hollyoaks? that was SO FRUSTRATING! i would be (in my head) yelling at the screen. 'i can' like boys and girls' YES YOU CAN OMGGG! DDD:
posted by [identity profile] at 11:31pm on 06/11/2011
LOLOLOL okay I admit this is amazing. And how can only imagine how frustrating yet awesome it must have been to see it, as a soap. They are SO CUTE THOUGH and that last vid is gorgeous! Look at him, all stubbly and back from college *__*
posted by [identity profile] at 01:22am on 07/11/2011
I cannot tell you how much I wish I lived in England, so I could partake in watching this amazingness (and hanging out with you and your awesome face). Actually, when we were in Scotland a few years ago, we caught a few late night reruns of Hollyoaks and I believe it was right around the time this storyline was starting (or at least around the time they were rerunning it). It was pretty ridiculously glorious, and I distinctly remember looking at my sister and saying, THOSE TWO ARE GOING TO FALL IN LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE. And also, you know, I wish we lived in the UK so we could watch it happen.

(Except that I always wish I lived in the UK for a whole myriad of reasons, so. That wasn't so much news.)
posted by [identity profile] at 09:27pm on 09/11/2011
It is possibly even better in post form! (Lies, it is better in 17 hours of TV form.)
girlmarauders: Ancient woman in robe sits on modern bus looking disgrunted (Default)
posted by [personal profile] girlmarauders at 07:14pm on 21/11/2011

Oh my god, I watched Eastenders for four years, I know exactly what you mean! Soaps ftw.

I enjoyed the sweater of homosexual angst, I shall perhaps have to peruse the material myself. :DD
posted by [identity profile] at 05:45am on 07/12/2011
This was me: La, la, clicking around to various bandom people's journal, la, la, OH HAI JOHN PAUL AND CRAIG!!!

Trufax, 'Epic Last Song' is my husband's ring tone on my phone, and I think happy JP/C thoughts every time he calls me.

Anyway, belated thanks for posting this. It gave me a chance to flail at my screen in joyous nostalgia and an excuse to use one of my neglected Hollyoaks icons. :D
ext_16050: (Hollyoaks - on the train)
posted by [identity profile] at 05:14pm on 23/12/2011
I LOVE THEM and will forever love them, oh my! <3


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